we were buried in the shade. our eyes eclipsed and we sat up to find our hands bound and searing. the strings reached into a sky of imperial clouds. we were tied so tight i lost count of our pulse. they must have dragged us to the surface asleep. shout unraveled: wake up! wake up! that sky is stealing our fevered hearts! but no one could hear us. no one. or they did hear us and pretended not to. so we staggered through the forest of string and over a lawn of arms. and then the sound of shadows burning in silent spaces struck our eardrums. hand in hand, we ran and ran and ran from a bastard sun that scorched and scoured. this disintegration would be our end. but the lionhearted held daylight back. the air stung bitter. our blood pounded. we were awake. and then the ground began to crumble upward. the horizon bled and concrete lost hold. synchronic to you and me. and when the ground retracted... you were still. just keep breathing and take the gravel from her lungs. an instant dilated forever. and what trembling hands could not hollow poured color from iris. this is where time fails and synapses perpetuate. refract the sunfall and pull apart every one and every thing. because this distance is threaded in aether and all else is lost to memory. bring us death and our black birds will escape gravity.

tires shrieked just before the door exploded open blood and chaos. what the fuck happened?!! the hospital the er there was theyre all.. and a dripping red hand pushed to save as the she is ripped apart. cold night air. head to ground. then sleep.... wake up lost in daylight. and hope that was not real... ...and the brutal truth raised its bloody mouth from what used to breathe to smell the smell of last words. but its ok. i can see my insides all around me. so itll be over soon. im glad to feel the apocalypse eating me alive and to know the world suffered the same. we were no better.

...

dear dad.

its been a long time since you died. there are so many things that never happened. life is more and more dim. like twilight. you explained those kind of things to me. i still remember them. one hundred eighty-six thousand miles a second. special relativity. black holes. i miss those conversations. i check a dictionary every time im unsure on the spelling of a word. you stressed the importance of a diverse lexicon. it was never my strong suit. a reporter complimented my writing. they read my words on a website i made for katie after her accident. youd be sad to learn of your daughter nearly dying from an intoxicated boyfriend. she was sober dad. after all this fucking time she was sober. that kills me. it is so sad. katie is straight edge now. she said she looks up to me. after you died, she was crying on me and said that i could be her father from then on. she was the katie you remember when she said that. our lives are different now. i dont know how, but mom still has the house elkwood. i drive by your old house sometimes. you know grandma died so after you did.. technically cancer.. but she never stopped crying after you left. "how can i bury two sons?" ..after she died, murray went insane. uncle berry introduced himself to the family and became the sole heir to everything that mightve made things easier. whatever. i can stand on my own. its strange being the man of the house when youre fifteen.

there are so many things that i wish i couldve asked you. told you. shown you. i learned to shave on my own. and i am still straight edge. i think to lose my self in drugs.. to get away from all this.. but you told me that you were proud of me in the last thing you ever wrote to me. you also told me that it was important to be healthy. and i realized that i was way too fat and ate terribly. so ive been vegan for a long while now. my boss pays for me to go to the gym. so im doing well with that. i run a lot. ..ive been working at an insurance agency for a number of years now. i do computer stuff. ive gotten a lot better with all of that. youd be proud. i make art things on the computer. lately, ive put a lot of time into a website for the band im in right now, sixdifferentways. terry started it, youd remember him. and andrew too. ive never been so proud of anything ive made so much as this site i put together. thanks for getting me into computers. and im happy with the way things are going for the band. ..remember doom? theres a new doom game that came out. youd be so impressed. . . .dad. you didnt get to see a few new star trek movies. and im sure youdve enjoyed the xmen movies. captain pickard played professor xavier. ..i remember my room at your house. the art in the hallway. playing castlevania all day. dubbing movies. making dinner. waking up for school to you shouting "tiny toons!!" ..dad, thinking back to all of this.. feels like being dead and looking back on a life that is only a memory.

i live in an apartment with terry. its nice to be on my own. you know, i moved in here with kirsten. she was my girlfriend for three and a half years. you never met her. i wish you couldve. we were in love. it was amazing. she would be the woman id marry and provide for.. but things are all fucked up now. i wont get into that.. it would flood me. what advice would youve given me? i am alone dad.. i am so goddamn sad. i have a lot of scars on my arms and hands now. after you died.. i started cutting my arms. it got really bad. like blood on the floor. police. paramedics. the other day i realized that i cant really write notes on my hands anymore. i wonder if my scars are blatant. what would youve told me about depression? ..this gravity wont give. its only a matter of time. i know how it will end. i wish i could start my life over. i live a nightmare. if this is sleep, then ill wake. could i find you in some infinite sleep? i miss love. you died young and i think i have your spirit.

goodnight,
your son.

this is still bleeding. drown in it and find false hope. a hollow heart and broken eyes fade like a tired sun. gravity cant give. so the heart beats faster faster. faster faster. just breathe. stich this up. half dead love is draining.